Neji Hyuuga and the Raiders of the Lost Hoagie
by Renaerys
Summary: In which Ino brings home her boyfriend to meet the bro squad. It goes as you would expect—or does it? NejIno, but mostly Neji's internal screaming.


**Neji Hyuuga and the Raiders of the Lost Hoagie  
** Disclaimer: I don't own Naruto.  
Rating: M  
World: Modern College AU. Yeah, I went there, don't look at me.

Notes: I'm not even going to pretend this is a serious fic, because it's not (read: College AU). So don't be fooled by the beginning or that bit in the middle. It's false hope. This is just some fun, silly fluff coupled with some refreshingly (deplorably?) juvenile humor because again, College AU. I classified it as M to be safe, but no one is really safe where we're going. I would like to apologize in advance to one Neji Hyuuga for this fic. His sacrifice here is a noble one in the pursuit of...I don't even know, but hopefully it's entertaining for at least some of you. Anyway, this is for the lovely Kaara, who will forever be my Ino enabler. Long may she reign.

* * *

Neji Hyuuga sat alone at a table for two in the cozy dining room of _La Piazza_ , a Michelin star Italian restaurant his cousin, Hanabi, had gotten him a reservation at right at the last minute for a special occasion. Hanabi, while only a spritely teen at Fuego Academy high school, was every bit her father's daughter and a household name in the city's best restaurants. And she had a soft spot for her reticent cousin that few others shared. Tonight was a special night, and Neji knew he could count on Hanabi to come through for him when he was at a total loss for what to do.

Neji was dressed to impress in a dark suit and tie that brought out the pearly sheen of his eyes, a family trait he shared with all his cousins and aunts and uncles. His dark hair, long for a man's, was tied back in a low ponytail and lent a sagacious but severe kind of class to his otherwise youthful twenty-something features. The host who had seated him, an attractive man in a tuxedo and an accent that could curl your toes, had let his eyes linger appreciatively, but Neji ignored him. Tonight, he had eyes for only one.

She entered like she owned the place, and really, if he'd met her tonight and she'd told him as much, he was sure he would have emptied his wallet on the most expensive bottle of wine she could pick out from the Bible-thick list. Ino Yamanaka was a country girl, born and raised in small-town Konoha far to the south. She came from a family of florists, but she carried herself with a certain elegance and grace like she'd been born for the high life. Combined with sultry blue eyes that could eviscerate or entrap the soul depending on her mood, that luscious platinum blonde hair, long and loose tonight, and a yellow silk cocktail dress split at the front to reveal the length of her shapely long legs, she was a vision out of a James Bond novel. It was only the dazzling smile that lit up her gorgeous face that shattered her ice queen façade and reminded him that she really was something special to him.

"Hey, stranger," she said, still smiling as she sauntered toward him on her heels and planted a delicate kiss on his cheek.

Neji rose to accept both the kiss and her waist. Dressed up as they were, they were not out of place in the crowd except for their extreme youth. _La Piazza_ was not a college student's typical haunt, but Neji was not the typical student at Fire Country University. FCU was the largest and most prestigious college in the Fire Country, and Ino, being the smart and driven young woman she was, had enrolled last year and ended up sitting next to Neji at the Freshman orientation events. Neji, of course, came from a long line of Hyuuga legacies at FCU and was surprised to learn that a small town girl from backwater Konoha, of all places, had managed to get out and make something of herself. Knowing her and her aspirations as well as he did now, Neji was not so surprised anymore.

"Hey," he said, smiling a little at the smell of her perfume. He'd bought her that particular scent, and she only wore it for special occasions, like tonight. "Happy birthday."

Ino grinned, earnest and excited in a way she only really ever let him see. To everyone else, she was the ice queen who had little time for much more than superficial friendships and a GPA as high as a frat boy's blood alcohol content on a Saturday night. She seemed to get along fine with most people, as most beautiful extroverts do, but Neji was pretty sure she hadn't made any lasting friendships at school. Besides him, that is. It was part of the reason he'd brought her here tonight, just the two of them.

"This place is gorgeous," Ino said as she took her seat and glanced at the pre fixe menu. "I'd have had to drop out of high school and work full-time at my dad's flower shop for like a year just to afford the wine pairing."

"Don't worry, it's my treat. My last name has its uses here and there."

She rolled her eyes and bit back a smirk. "Here and there, he says."

The waiter came by to take their orders and bring out the first wine pairing of the evening, and soon Neji was relaxing in his chair looking across the table at a gorgeous girl and enjoying some delicious food and wine. She was happy, he could see it. She never got this kind of treatment at home, and yet she carried herself like she'd known this all her life. He liked that about Ino, how she could put others at ease in their own elements. She was fun and smart and loved to laugh, but she could also fit in in his world, a world where he admittedly did not fit in as much as he pretended. He was an outcast, a stray taken in by his uncle, Hiashi Hyuuga, leader of the main branch, and raised with all the etiquette and learnings of a trueborn Hyuuga heir. But he was not one of them, not really. He had to abide by their rules, their traditions, but he would never come out on top in the end. It had bothered him once, and perhaps it still did on his worst days. But he was getting older, meeting more people, people like Ino, and for the first time in his life, Neji was starting to see that there was a whole world out there beyond what money and a powerful last name could buy. Looking at Ino and how fluidly she traveled between a night like this with Neji and her humble beginnings in a small town, he had to believe there was more, so much more.

"You know, I would've been happy with a beer and pizza night," Ino said as they began the fifth of seven courses. "In case you ever go broke, I mean."

"If the portions get any smaller, you might just get your wish tonight," Neji said.

She laughed and held out her glass for a toast. "You're my favorite, Neji Hyuuga."

Neji had never been much of a sharer, but Ino was always the person driving conversation no matter who she was with. She had that ability, like she could find something to talk about with anyone in the room, regardless of age, income, race, religion. She liked people, she said. Neji thought it was more accurate to say she liked the idea of people, considering she didn't appear to have many people she could call her own at college. Ino was that girl who got excited about meeting new people and treasuring the memory of the adventure, never the spoils it produced. There were so many names in her phone of people she probably couldn't even remember, of people she'd met only once but made an impression on. He had to wonder where she got the energy for it.

"Sometimes I think you're actually an international spy," he said, nursing glass of wine number four.

Ino got a devious look in her eyes and leaned forward conspiratorially. "You know, I get the same idea about you sometimes. We're like Mr. and Mrs. Smith. Maybe one day we'll destroy your family's mansion trying to kill each other once we finally figure out each other's secret identities."

He thought about that. "What about your family? Do you have a secret lair back in Konoha guarded by an old lady with nineteen cats and the detonator to a bomb that'll blow the place to bits if the wrong people find it?"

Ino laughed. "Not a chance. My family's pretty normal, not like yours. Why do you ask?"

She was always so quick to pick up on the whims of others. It was what made so many uncomfortable around her, like she was dissecting them, cold frogs under the scalpel, when she chose to reveal this part of herself. She'd done it to Neji, too, and all he could do was tell her she was right, he was the black sheep of the family, the reject raised up as a golden boy because there was no one else to fill the role, and fuck her very much for pointing it out. When she'd come to him in the middle of the night, crying and sweaty from hours at the gym and then walking aimlessly and looking like a mess, she apologized. She had a tendency to rip people open and forget to stitch them back together. He'd been nice to her at orientation. She didn't know anyone. She didn't know this place, this crowd.

And he'd accepted her apology because really, Neji was not the kind of guy who could pick and choose his friends, who had always been picked and chosen for him most of his life. Well, except Lee. That guy was like a barnacle, a relic from Neji's middle school days before his father died and his life changed forever, and Neji was a sentimental guy deep down, wouldn't you know it. Lee liked Ino from the moment he met her last Spring Break. His was the only opinion that really mattered.

But still, Neji wondered. "I guess I just don't really know a lot about your family," he said. "What does normal mean?"

She shrugged. "I don't know, normal, you know. Just regular people, regular small town, same friends since I was four, that kind of thing."

"I'd like to meet them," Neji said.

She looked at him like he'd just told a hilarious joke. "Meet them? Right."

"I'm serious. What's so weird about that?"

"Uh, well, it's not really your crowd."

He frowned. "What does that mean? They're your friends, aren't they?"

"Well, yeah."

"Then I don't see the problem."

She fiddled with her wine glass. "They're not like the people you know."

"I guess not, since you don't really have any friends here."

Ino's smile slowly faded, and she fixed him with that look she got when she was trying to figure someone out. She was usually successful. "I'm not here to make friends. I have plenty of those back home."

"And me?"

She took a sip of her wine and ran a finger over her lower lip to catch a falling drop. Then she licked her finger clean very slowly. "I don't consider you my friend."

Neji watched her finger very carefully as it ducked into her mouth just so, but he prided himself on his restraint. It was a necessity growing up in the Hyuuga household where temptation was not indulged, laughter was rarely merited, and deviation from tradition was never, ever tolerated. He wondered what his uncle, the Hyuuga patriarch Hiashi, would think of Ino, but decided he never wanted to know. He did not want to spoil what he'd found.

"I'm serious, Ino," he said.

She dropped the coy act and studied him for a moment. "You want to see my hometown and meet my friends?"

"I want to know where you come from." _I want to know what no one else here knows._

She leaned forward and clasped her hands together. "Are you _sure_?"

He blinked. "...Yes. Why wouldn't I be?"

She smiled at him like she did when he said something adorably ignorant. "They're not like the crowd you're used to," she repeated her earlier warning.

If Neji was one thing, it was determined to be right about everything. And when he couldn't be right, he could figure out his mistake quick and fix it before too many people noticed. Growing up a Hyuuga, he had to be perfect or damn well near it not for his own good, but for the family's. The family always came first. A change from that, a challenge of something new, a chance to prove to this woman that he could handle whatever she threw at him, was welcome.

"Good. I like meeting new people."

She laughed and dipped a finger in the mashed potatoes on his plate, then stuck it in her mouth. "No, you don't. But I think you might like these guys."

"Guys?"

The waiter came to take their plates and pass Neji the check, but he barely glanced at it when he tossed out his credit card.

"Yeah," Ino said. "I've got a couple girlfriends, but one's tied up with an internship at the city hospital and the other's in college in Rice Country. It's mostly just the guys back home now at Konoha City College."

"Well, all the same. I want to meet your friends," Neji persisted.

She smiled and leaned her chin in her hand, looking sleepy for all intents and purposes. "Okay then, if that's what you want. I never say no to a chance to go home."

"Then it's settled. How about next weekend?"

"My, aren't we excited. Is this a test? Are you judging me?"

"No, of course not."

Ino smiled like she knew what he really meant, although he couldn't imagine what, if any, double meaning she might read into his simple and honest admission. "Okay then. Adventuring we go."

They finished their wine and gathered their things, and she led him out by the hand to the car waiting for them.

"But first, a different kind of adventure. It _is_ my birthday, you know." She pulled him into the backseat of the car with curling fingers and parted lips.

"I know," he said, the wine going to his head a little.

She laughed as she pulled him into a kiss, and he counted down the minutes until they would arrive at his off-campus apartment downtown so he could get a good look at that liquid yellow dress pooled on the floor of his bedroom.

* * *

The train ride to Konoha was about four hours south, and to be honest, Neji was shocked that there even was a train. If the boonies had boonies, this place would be it. Konoha was a town of about four thousand people in the middle of nowhere boxed in between rolling hills and cliffs on all sides, like the very earth was trying to keep everyone imprisoned inside in case they got it into their silly heads to try to leave. Konoha City College, which was decidedly _not_ aptly named, was nothing but a few refurbished warehouses and old office buildings converted into classrooms and shitty dorms. Neji and Ino were here only for an extended weekend and would stay at her family's home with Neji in the guest room, house rules. He didn't argue, of course. Decorum and charm were all but branded to his bones thanks to his upbringing.

Her family was blessedly normal, Neji discovered. Ino's mother, Saya, was an accountant who oversaw all aspects of the Yamanaka florist business. She was withdrawn and correct to a fault, speaking only when she had something relevant or important to say, and whenever she did speak, she was always and infallibly right. Ino's father, Inoichi, was a regular dandy with an eye for beautiful things, a talent which was reflected in his flower arrangements and selection. He loved to laugh and had a kind smile, and it soon became very apparent to Neji that Inoichi had a special soft spot for his only daughter. Something to do with Inoichi mentioning in passing over dinner the first night that he was old friends with one Fugaku Uchiha, Fire Country's current attorney-general, and that Fugaku was always on the lookout for scumbags who treated women with disrespect in any form. _Any_ , you hear me? My little girl has always been and always will be a princess, thank you _very much_.

Neji swallowed it all with quiet grace and dignity, as he'd been born and bred to do. He must have been doing something right, because soon Saya was smiling in that way Ino would smile when she was genuinely happy about something, and Inoichi was breaking out the good whiskey he kept stocked for company. Ino's parents were easy, all things considered. Her friends would be easier.

It was Saturday night, and Ino wore an old pair of ripped jeans, chunky boots, and a purple hoodie. She blew pink bubbles with her chewing gum, but her lipstick did not smear. Lady magic, Neji figured without giving it much further consideration. Somehow she pulled off the casual and grungy look while still looking hot in that way that only the truly beautiful can manage. He found himself wondering if this was her true self, easy going and unhurried, but still carefully made up like she wasn't trying but really, she was and you better fucking appreciate it. Either way, it worked. Neji had taken Ino's advice and packed like he was anyone but Neji Hyuuga, wearing khakis and a green button-down and Oxfords. She took one look at him and frowned.

"Put this on," she said, tossing him an old black hoodie.

"This isn't mine," he protested. "...And I don't even listen to Jashin." He noticed the popular, if not dated, rock band's symbol stamped prominently across the back of the hoodie in red and white.

"What? Everyone loves Jashin," Ino said. "The lead singer, Hidan, is soooo hot."

"Define everyone."

"It's a small town. Stuff stays popular for years here."

"That doesn't mean I have to hand over my body as a canvas for free advertising."

She put her hands on her hips. "I have a Nickelback one if you'd prefer that."

He gaped at her. " _Why_?"

Grinning, she looped her arm in his and planted a kiss on his cheek. "Let's go, prima donna. We're already late."

Ino dragged him and his unwanted hoodie out the door and downtown to Konoha City College campus, where they passed students running around to get to wherever the party was. As it turned out, the party was congregating around some wooden benches and a staircase, where someone with a skateboard leaped onto the metal railing and slid down. He landed, and another guy handed him a beer, which he proceeded to chug to the others' cheers. When he finished, he threw the empty can on the ground and crushed it with his heel.

 _Oh god, townies,_ Neji thought. Maybe they wouldn't notice him if he stayed perfectly still.

"Hey, we coulda used that can, Kiba!" one of the boys said.

Kiba, aka Sk8ter Boi, kicked the crushed can into the bushes like he could not be tamed, not even by his arch nemesis Edward Cullen (no, Neji did not read Twilight _thank you very much_ , but he saw exactly fifty-two minutes of the first movie before getting up and walking out, and Hanabi whined that he should pick a team, Edward or Jacob, and let's just say that under no circumstances was Neji ever going to be on Team Edward, and he'd heard his cousin Hoheto saying that werewolves were, like, totally in right now, so yeah). "So gimme another one and I'll getcha a new can," Kiba said.

Neji was about to ask Ino why the hell they were here when she left his side suddenly and pulled her hood up. It was getting dark and the shadows hid her face, and she flashed the light on her phone at the group.

"Hey, you kids break it up," she bellowed.

The guys jumped and backed up, afraid for a moment that a cop had caught them doing something they shouldn't be. Kiba, a scruffy guy who looked like he could have been in an especially good looking street gang if he wasn't so busy giving off that moody hungry werewolf vibe, swallowed and put up his hands.

"Uh, we didn't do anything!" he said.

Another guy in the group, a tall lanky type with a scowl so deep it could have been carved into his face, sighed and shoved his hands in his pockets. "Guys, that's not a cop. That's Ino, obviously."

Ino burst out laughing and pulled down her hood. "Kiba, your face!"

"Ino?" said another guy, heavyset and holding an open bag of chips. "Whoa, what're you doing here?"

"Hey, Chouji!" Ino said, throwing her arms around him for a hug. "How's it going?"

"Hahaha! Dude, you thought she was a cop! You moron," the loudest and blondest of the group guffawed.

"Whatever Naruto, I saw you hidin' behind Chouji," Kiba bit out. " _Moron_."

"How'd you see me when you were coverin' your eyes, _moron_?" Naruto shot back.

"Girls, girls, you're both morons, okay?" said the guy who'd first identified Ino.

"Such a drag always being right, huh Shikamaru?" Ino grinned and hugged him next, nearly knocking the wind out of him.

"Talk about a drag," he said as he spat to get her hair out of his mouth.

"Ino!" Naruto said. "Hey, what're you doin' back? I thought you were gone till Winter Break, y'know?"

Ino slung an arm around his neck as best she could. Naruto had a few inches on her. "Well, I guess I missed you guys too much." She grabbed Kiba with her free hand and yanked him to her side, nearly knocking him down. "Did you miss me, too?"

"You bet I did!" Naruto gushed.

Kiba frowned and tried to wriggle free. "Yeah, yeah, whatever. You still dating that tool from FCU?"

"Which one?"

Kiba flushed. "There's more than one?!"

Ino smiled coquettishly. "Depends on the day."

Neji cleared his throat and approached the group, determined to get those silly Twilight thoughts out of his head because _obviously_. "Hi, you must be Ino's...friends."

The boys stared at Neji, and their silence was broken only by Chouji's munching. "Hey, is that the tool?" he asked Shikamaru.

Shikamaru groaned. "For his sake, I really hope not."

Ino sighed dramatically and went to Neji. "Guys, this is Neji Hyuuga. Neji, the guys."

No one said a word for about five seconds. Neji would have given anything for those five seconds never to end because as soon as Naruto opened his mouth, he knew in his pasty pedigreed bones that this night was not going to end well.

"Hyuuga? Oh wait! Like that pervy politician? The one with the creepy eyes, you know? Damn, what's his name? Shikamaru, we were just talkin' about him!"

"Hiashi Hyuuga," Shikamaru said. "The Senator."

"Oh, you mean that cock for brains who got caught Snapchatting dick pics to high school girls?" Kiba said.

"Yeah, him!" Naruto said triumphantly.

"Wait, wasn't that the other guy?" Chouji asked. "You know, with the glasses?"

"Yes, Chouji, that's Kabuto Yakushi. Kiba got them mixed up," Shikamaru said.

"Huh? So that four-eyes was the one sending chicks his half chubs?" Naruto said.

"Nah man, I swear it was Hyuuga. Those _eyes_." Kiba looked convinced.

"Dude, you don't even watch the news," Shikamaru grumbled.

"My uncle personally funded the Eats for All project," Neji said through gritted teeth. "He opened up nineteen soup kitchens all over the city. And for your information, he doesn't even _have_ Snapchat, and neither do I."

Naruto looked at him funny. "Hey man, nobody's sayin' dick pics run in the family. Snapchat's cool, y'know? Don't hate."

Neji was stunned to silence. For the record, Naruto was that guy who made all the shitty decisions in a haunted house that got everyone else killed while he miraculously got away and told the reporters and police that he had _no idea_ what happened in there, it was crazy man, like, _nuts_ yo.

"Yeah, that stuff was all Kabuto. Too bad though," Ino said. "Uncle Hyuuga's a real silver fox. Those high school girls got the short end of the stick if you ask me."

Kiba and Naruto burst out laughing, and Chouji offered Ino some of his chips. Shikamaru crossed his arms so tight they might actually pop off.

"Man, I missed you, Ino!" Naruto said as he picked her up and swung her around in a hug. She laughed and hugged him back. "Aw damn, but Sakura's still playin' doctor in the city and Karin's not back till Winter Break. It's just Tenten here with us. Wish we woulda known you were comin' home this week, y'know?"

"It's okay, I came to see you guys," Ino said. "So? Where's the party?"

"Right here, baby," Kiba said, grinning as he handed her a Natty Light.

"Oh goody, nothing like warm piss in a can to remind me of home."

"Hey, I'm here to please."

Neji just watched as Ino reconnected with her friends, unsure what even to say. Of all the things he'd imagined, he had not expected _this._ They were loud, crass, obnoxious, and smelled funky. How on earth could Ino, lovely and elegant and smart and sexy, possibly have anything in common with these misfits?

It took him a moment to realize they were all leaving, and he was suddenly standing by himself in the dark surrounded by crushed empty beer bottles. Neji jogged after them and trailed behind a bit, while Ino had her arm through Naruto's as he started telling her some story about hairy doorknobs.

Wait, what?

"You shoulda seen his face!" Naruto enthused. "Priceless, y'know?"

"Oh my god," Ino said, trying not to giggle. "Wait, _whose_ hair was it?"

"Kiba's," Chouji said. "We superglued the doorknob. Took, like, what? Like two hours."

"Gross!" Ino said, although she laughed anyway.

"Professor Umino refused to teach until all the hair was removed," Shikamaru said. "So Professor Hatake grabbed a blow torch from the chem lab and burned the shit out of it. A little dramatic, if you ask me."

"A _blow torch_? All those little Kibas." Ino sniffled for dramatic effect.

"Hey, if you wanted little Kibas, all you had to do was ask," Kiba said in that salacious way seedy gangsters in Tarantino movies have that should make you want to throw up but really all you want to do is throw your panties at them. Not that Neji had an opinion on the matter.

Ino ignored him and sighed dreamily. "I wish I could've seen that."

"You pranked your professor by gluing your hair to the doorknob of his classroom?" Neji said, aghast.

Everyone stopped on the sidewalk and turned to look at him. Kiba looked like he didn't even remember Neji was there.

"Hair? Nah, man," Naruto said. "It was Kiba's pubes. Go big or go home, y'know?"

Neji swallowed. "You...do realize that's probably fifteen health code violations, right?"

Naruto shrugged. "Yeah, well, that's what the blow torch was for. Which was fucking _epic_ , by the way," he said, turning on Shikamaru. "It was like X-men, except for _real_."

"As epic as your moral conduct review?" Shikamaru said. "Yeah, I bet Dean Sarutobi could agree with that. Ugh, what a drag."

"Aw, lighten up, Shikamaru," Chouji said. "Naruto got off with a warning, no big deal."

"So you took the fall for everybody?" Ino said. "Naruto, why do you have to be such a hero all the time?" She nudged him playfully.

Naruto grinned and blushed a little. "Aw, y'know how it goes. 'Sides, they knew it wasn't really me. My pubes're blond, believe it!"

Shikamaru rolled his eyes and Kiba looked mysteriously proud of himself.

Ino laughed again. "Naruto, I did _not_ need to know that."

"I think my appetite just got ruined," Chouji said glumly.

Neji was shocked speechless. He could not fathom pranking a professor at his university, let alone in such a degraded fashion. And Ino thought it was _funny_. He suddenly had the overwhelming urge to grab her and run for the hills, there be evil afoot, lads, and mayhem and pubescent tomfoolery, and Neji _really_ wished he hadn't just thought the word 'pubescent'. This was a bad dream. Surely, these were not the friends she'd talked about with such adoration on the train ride here...

Ino waited for him to catch up. "Hey, you. Everything okay?"

He looked at her like she'd asked him to strip right there and do an interpretive dance. "Define _okay_."

She studied his face a moment. "I know they're not what you expected, but they're great if you give them a chance."

"Your friends are delinquents," Neji hissed. "And did you hear what they said about my uncle?"

"Yeah, but they were just messing around. Hey." She snaked her hands around his neck and pulled him close. "You wanted to meet my friends, right? We're on an adventure, Indy. Fortune and glory. Anything could happen. Just have a little fun, okay?"

"Oi! You guys comin're what?" Naruto called obnoxiously from the corner up ahead.

"I'll come when I'm good and ready!" Ino shouted back.

"I guess I didn't expect this," Neji said, shifting his weight uncomfortably.

Ino grinned and touched her nose to his. "Life's more fun when you don't know what's coming."

"I beg to differ." He tightened his grip on her waist and pulled her to him, a silent entreaty.

Ino laughed lightly and molded her body to his. Even that ridiculous Jashin hoodie couldn't bother him with her so close. "I like you begging."

Neji's hands trembled as all his body heat peaced the fuck out and went straight to his cock. He dug his fingers under the hem of her hoodie and fisted the old Goodfellas T-shirt she wore underneath it. But Ino pulled away and left him grasping at nothing but the inside zipper of his khakis, which he could tell you was not fucking great.

"Come on, Prince Charming," she teased. "This is no time to be jousting for your lady's favor. We have a party to get to."

A lesser man may have screamed in agony and frustration at her decidedly cruel pun, but Neji was built of sturdier stuff. He was more than his cock (most days), and this was just one weekend, not the rest of their lives. _You just keep thinkin', Butch, that's what you're good at._ So he grimaced and rearranged his parts and pieces as he hobbled after her to rejoin the group, determined to keep some of his dignity intact, goddamnit.

Naruto whined when Ino caught up, but she smacked him lightly on the shoulder and told him not to rush a beautiful thing. Naruto pouted, but he grabbed Ino's hand and dragged her to the brick building up ahead, where the lights were bright on the fourth floor and the music played a steady, rhythmic beat. Neji frowned at the sight of them, Naruto pulling her along and Ino smiling in that way she smiled when it was just them, but he swallowed the bitter thought.

 _Whatever._

The sooner this party was over, the sooner they could go home and joust. Neji literally kicked himself in the shin for that thought, regretting Ino's idiotic pun now that it was stuck in his head. And his leg hurt now, too.

The party was pretty typical of any college get together. Someone had cleared out the common room of some apartment and had a Spotify playlist going through a laptop and connected speakers. A small table had been set up for robo pound. Three guys and a girl were furiously bouncing quarters into solo cups and chugging down the beer as they successfully made shots. Others were playing Halo in a connecting bedroom and booing each other when someone got killed and fucked over the rest of the team in the campaign. A case of PBR, ripped open like a long-anticipated birthday present and already half empty sat at the foot of the windowsill, and a closed cooler doubled as a minibar for half-drunk handles of Stolichnaya and Beefeater, unmarked orange juice, and soda. All in all, it was not that different from a typical room party up at FCU. Like love and truth and justice, 'party' was just another universal virtue understood by all college students the world over. Or some deep shit like that.

Shikamaru and Chouji plopped down on a couch and made themselves comfortable, while Kiba made a beeline for the booze and grabbed more than he would possibly need to distribute. The girl dominating the robo pound table screamed when she saw Ino, Naruto, and Neji walk inside, and for a moment Neji was sure someone was going to get stabbed and he'd wake up in a Stephen King novel, like, running from clowns or mist or number one fans. As it turned out, it was just another reunion. Bummer...

"Oh wow, Ino! What're you doing here?" the amazingly-good-at-robo girl asked after she tackled Ino in a hug.

"Hey, Tenten! I'm just here for the weekend," Ino said.

"And you didn't tell me? What's it been, like six months?"

Ino smiled. "I wanted to surprise everyone."

"Oooh, who's this?" Tenten eyed Neji over her shoulder.

"That's Neji," Naruto said. "Dick Pic's nephew."

Neji was pretty sure he popped a blood vessel right there. He could use some killer clowns right about now, just _any-fucking-thing_.

"Huh?" Tenten looked confused.

Ino elbowed Naruto in the side, and he whined some more. "Aw, what was that for?"

She ignored him. "This is my boyfriend, Neji Hyuuga. Neji, this is Tenten. We went to high school together."

Tenten blushed and held out her hand for Neji to shake. She was very cute and very fit and very cool, way too cool for Neji, and Neji was too cool for _everyone_. He wondered if she'd ever watched Twilight and if she'd be on Team Edward or Team Jacob. I mean, everyone's got a preference even if they despise that piece of shit, right? How can you not, honestly. "Hey, nice to meet you. Hyuuga, huh? You didn't bring any cousins with you, did you?"

Ino grinned wickedly and Tenten winked. "Next time, I promise."

"I'll hold you to that," Tenten said, laughing. "Hey, did you guys get drinks already?"

Not long after, Neji found himself with a red solo cup filled with some concoction of jet fuel masquerading as vodka, orange juice that was little more than dissolved sugar and food coloring, and a shot of Sprite. He winced when he took a sip.

"I'll trade you." Ino took his drink and passed him her freshly popped PBR.

"Ah, much better," he grumbled.

She nudged him with her shoulder. "Sarcasm doesn't suit you."

"Neither does this hoodie, but I haven't died yet, praise Jashin."

She stuck out her tongue at him, and he was really tempted to grab it between his fingers. As soon as he had the thought, he put it out of his mind. God, was he already drunk? Was it something in the air? Ode du townies? Was that even real French? He needed to get the fuck out of here.

"Hey, so where's that stick in the mud Shino?" Naruto asked.

Tenten rolled her eyes. "Probably upstairs sleeping. I invited him, but you know how he gets."

"How can he sleep with all this racket?" Chouji asked.

"He's got the right idea," Shikamaru grumbled.

"You fall asleep and I'll leave you some love notes for when you wake up," Kiba said.

Shikamaru shot him a withering look. "Ha, thanks, but you can keep your love note dick drawings to yourself."

"Hey, you fell asleep and you knew the rules," Kiba said before throwing back half his beer.

"Speakin' of rules," Naruto said, suddenly getting up off the couch. "Shino's missin' a good time catching up on that beauty sleep, y'know?"

"Oh no, whatever you're doing, I want no part of it," Tenten said, putting up a hand and moving to rejoin the robo pound table because she was the only normal sane person here and so, so much cooler than Neji.

Ino grinned and leaned forward over her knees. "Hey Naruto, you think Shino's thirsty? Maybe we should bring him some water."

Naruto lit up like Christmas morning, and Neji suddenly had a really bad feeling, like Annie Wilkes was coming for him with a hundred-watt smile and a bone saw in her pink cat sweater. "Ino, you're a genius."

She shrugged. "I know."

Shikamaru sighed. "Well _I'm_ sitting this one out. I'm already comfortable here."

"I'll get the cups," Chouji said.

"Get up, lazy ass," Kiba said, grabbing Shikamaru by his spiky ponytail. "No way you're missin' this."

Shikamaru complained, but he came along anyway. Ino practically sprang to her feet and skipped alongside Naruto back into the hallway, leaving Neji to follow if he so chose. Well, whatever was happening, he wasn't about to get left behind, so he got up and went after them. As it turned out, their idea of bringing Shino a glass of water was a little more generous than Neji had been expecting.

"Shh! You'll wake him up!" Kiba hissed as he balanced four solo cups filled nearly to the brim with tap water in his hands.

Chouji held the door to the common bathroom across the hall. "Hurry it up, guys."

Naruto had to stifle a laugh despite Kiba's shushing, and he spilled a little water on his way out of the bathroom. It sloshed all over the stairwell and the landing and Neji standing just below.

"What the hell are you guys doing?" he said, not really wanting to know.

"Shh!" Ino said as she emerged from the bathroom carrying an armful of filled cups. "Here, make yourself useful and put these over there."

She handed him some cups and went to place a couple directly in front of Shino's door. Naruto and Kiba ran in and out of the bathroom with more cups while Shikamaru dutifully filled them from the tap. Soon, there were so many that they covered the entire landing and the top three steps in the stairwell. Neji just stared and wondered if they had enough dynamite there, Butch.

"When he tries to leave tomorrow morning, this is all going to spill everywhere," he said.

"Yeah! Isn't it great?" Naruto said.

"The floor is wet, and my shoes are damp. Why? Because my generous friends must have believed I was thirsty," Ino said in a really bad impression of a deep voice. "They were mistaken, for I am not thirsty."

Naruto laughed out loud. "You sound just like him, y'know?"

Ino took a little bow. "I'll be here all night, thank you, thank you."

"Uh, guys?" Shikamaru said from the bathroom.

He appeared to be boxed in by all the carefully placed solo cups. Like a noob.

"Hey noob, what're you doin' stuck in the bathroom, anyway?" Kiba said, ever faithful to the narrative.

Shikamaru rolled his eyes. "Very funny. How am I supposed to get out of here?"

"You're the smart one, figure it out!"

"You could jump," Ino offered.

"Yeah, jump! Chouji'll catch you, y'know?" Naruto said.

"I will?" Chouji asked.

"This is a _really_ bad idea," Neji said, imagining the cups filled with acid and killing off two of the brave haunted house explorers and once again leaving Naruto alive while others died for his well-intentioned but really gosh darn _bad_ advice.

"Well, we can't just _leave_ him there, pretty boy," Kiba said.

"Maybe you should've thought about that before you decided to pull this ridiculous prank." Okay, fine, so Neji would have been that dude halfway through the movie when they're locked in the basement grumbling in that manly cool way he's got like he's seen some _shit_ in his day that this was a bad idea, and they should have listened to him not say those exact words at the beginning before they went inside. Nobody's perfect.

"Hey, this prank is gold," Naruto said. "Works every time, believe it!"

"Hah! Remember when we did it to our dads?" Ino said. "They spent all night drinking and smoking and they passed out in the lounge at your place, Chouji, remember?"

Chouji brightened. "Yeah, and we stacked the cups all around them so when they got up in the morning, they got soaked."

"Oh yeah, I'm just _scintillating_ at the good memories over here," Shikamaru grumbled.

"Hey, it was _your_ idea," Ino quipped.

"Yeah, but I wasn't serious."

"We were thirteen. Who's serious at thirteen?"

Neji thought those kids from _Stranger Things_ were pretty goddamned serious at thirteen and look how they turned out, just for the record, but he kept his mouth shut.

"Around them while they were sleepin'? Aw man, that's genius!" Naruto said.

"Hey whatever, let's get outta here already," Kiba said. "I'm hungry."

"Okay!" Naruto followed him downstairs, and Ino skipped after them.

"Come on," she said to Neji with a smile.

"It's okay, Shikamaru, I promise I'll catch you," Chouji said, spreading his arms.

Shikamaru sighed like this was the hardest thing he'd ever done in all his life. "Ah, fuck this." He got a running start, leaped over most of the cups, and landed hard against Chouji, who slammed into the opposite wall. A couple of the solo cups spilled water on the stairs. Spoiler alert, no one died and Neji was still living through this night.

They left the party as it was winding down to head to the hoagie place that was open late. Ino was giggling about something with Naruto up ahead, while Neji hung back a bit with Kiba, though not by choice. He listened as Ino laughed at something Naruto said, and he slung his arm around her shoulders as they exchanged whispers.

"Hey man, you gotta take a shit or what?" Kiba said.

Neji did not realize how wound up he was and tried to relax his shoulders. "No," he bit out.

"Whatever."

Kiba lit a cigarette, and Neji stuffed his hands in the pockets of his borrowed hoodie to hide his clenched fists.

"Hey, Neji," Chouji called out from just behind them. "Is that a Jashin hoodie?" Because Chekhov's Gun would not let this story end without bringing this up again at the opportune moment.

Neji frowned deeply. "Yeah, why?"

"Oh, I didn't know you liked them."

"What's wrong with Jashin?" Kiba asked as he took a drag of his cigarette. "They got some good stuff."

Shikamaru held out his hand for the cigarette, and Kiba handed it over with a little grumbling. "I don't like them. Too preachy."

"It's not mine. The hoodie, I mean," Neji said, turning back to focus on walking.

Ahead, Ino whispered something conspiratorially to Naruto, and he laughed like it was the cackled joke he'd ever heard. Neji's scowl deepened.

"Hey, are you okay?" Chouji asked. "You gotta use the bathroom or something? They have one at Hoagie Haven, where we're going."

"No!" Neji snapped. "I don't have to defecate, if you really want to know. Goddamn."

Chouji and Kiba exchanged a look, but Kiba forgot all about it when he realized that Shikamaru had finished off the cigarette and left none for him. Grumbling curses, he lit up a new one.

"You been dating Ino a long time?" Shikamaru asked suddenly.

"Not that it's any of your business, but yeah," Neji said, trying to calm down.

"So, do you trust her?"

"What?" Neji was so caught off guard by the question that he actually did a double take.

Shikamaru shrugged. "I just meant you don't have to be jealous of Naruto."

"I am _not_ jealous, least of all of _him_."

Kiba snorted. "Told ya he was just constipated," he said to Chouji.

Neji was about ready to punch Kiba in the face when all of a sudden, they arrived at Hoagie Haven and Ino was asking him what he wanted.

"Personally, I recommend the Middle Finger," she said, because of course she'd say that.

"Nah, don't listen to her, Neji," Naruto said. "The Body Bag's where it's at, trust me."

Neji glanced up at the scant menu and felt his stomach twist. Everything had to have at least a thousand calories per bite. The only body bag around here would be the one the paramedics would be transporting all of them out of here in. But in the end, they each got a hoagie and sat down on some benches outside to eat. Neji forced himself to take a bite of his cheesesteak creation, not even wanting to know what was in it. What he wouldn't give for another dinner at _La Piazza_ , just Ino and him and that wispy yellow dress. Naruto sat next to him while Ino sat between Shikamaru and Chouji on a different bench, and Kiba remained standing. Soon, they were laughing at something or other once again. Neji watched, frowning.

"Hey man, you okay? How's the hoagie?" Naruto asked.

"What? Oh. It's fine."

"So, what's it like up at FCU? Must be pretty fancy in the city, huh?"

Neji shifted beside Naruto as he swallowed a mouthful of sandwich. It wasn't bad, he supposed, but he'd need to chug an entire bottle of Tums later, probably. "It's a different world."

If Naruto detected the bite in Neji's tone, he didn't let on. He just smiled and nodded, like he understood very well. "She's great, right? Ino."

Neji glanced at Naruto sitting beside him, his stomach turning with something other than the greasy hoagie. "Yes, she is."

"She's always been like that, too." He laughed to himself, remembering something. "We were always gettin' into trouble when we were kids."

"Let me guess, more pranks."

"Yup. Well, later. When it was just me, I was just doin' dumb shit and always gettin' caught, y'know?"

Neji did not know. "What do you mean, just you?"

"Oh, you know. I was an orphan. Parents died when I was a baby."

Kiba's bawdy laughter broke out then as Chouji did some kind of impression of an animal and Ino was complaining that she couldn't eat with them making her laugh so much. Neji was very still.

"I... I'm sorry, I didn't know," he said finally.

"'S okay," Naruto said. "I mean, it was pretty shitty when I was by myself for a while. But then I met Ino, and she introduced me to the guys. Man, we had so much fun runnin' around playing jokes on adults."

"Ino played pranks with you since you were kids?"

"Are you kiddin'? She was, like, the queen prankster. Aw man, this one time old man Uchiha came to town to visit her dad, and... Hah, let's just say he mysteriously ran outta underpants one night and had to go commando to some fancy town dinner. She had the best ideas, y'know?"

Neji watched Ino smiling with her friends. She'd been doing that a lot here, those pretty smiles she would do when it was just them. She was always so poised and put together and classy when she needed to be. Like this, though, it was a different view of that same smile. Not bad, just different. It was a side of her he didn't know, like an outsider looking in at something he would never really understand. And sitting next to Naruto like this, Neji had never felt farther away from Ino than he did in this moment.

"Hey, I'm sorry about the joking earlier," Naruto said. "I was just messin', really."

Before Neji could respond to that, Kiba made some crude remark about Naruto's sandwich and all the meat it was packing. Naruto got up and made a big fuss about it, trading insults back and forth with Kiba while Ino and Chouji laughed at them.

 _I'll never have this,_ Neji thought. _This part of her, the real her, I'll never have it like they do._

But damn if he wouldn't try. So he got up, dumped the rest of his hoagie in the trash, and started walking down the sidewalk back toward campus. Almost as soon as he left, he heard Ino calling out after him and feet shuffling along behind to catch up. It was Naruto who reached him first.

"Dude, where're you goin'?" Naruto asked.

"You think a few cups of water in front of the door are funny?" Neji said. "That's child's play."

"Huh?"

"Neji." Ino reached for his hand as she fell into step beside him. "Hey, what's going on with you?"

A group of girls, talking and laughing, were walking in their direction across the street on the opposite sidewalk. There were no cars driving this late at night, and only a few dull streetlamps offered much light. The group of girls was fast approaching, and Neji swallowed his pride and made a decision because fortune and glory, kid. Fortune and glory.

"Going on an adventure," he said to Ino before pulling away and crossing the street to duck behind the nearest car like some hot archeologist explorer minus the bullwhip, which was not necessary for this, anyway, sorry. He forced himself not to look back, fearful that if he did, he wouldn't go through with this insanity. The group of girls was almost upon him, and it didn't look like they'd noticed him ducking behind the blue Corolla.

Just as they were about to pass, Neji revealed himself beside the car, turned around quickly, and pantsed himself. The flickering streetlamp just a few steps away at the corner cast a dingy light on his ass-white, well, _ass_ as he bent over in front of the approaching group of girls. For a brief moment of bone-chilling horror, Neji wondered if they were actually cops or campus police. But after the second of confusion and a couple gasps of surprise, a few of the girls burst out laughing.

"Oh my god!" one of the girls said through fits of giggles. "Gross!"

"We just got mooned!"

"Where's my selfie stick when I need it, amiright?!"

Across the street, Ino and the boys had also burst out laughing. Kiba was actually clapping because someone had to. Neji was pretty sure he heard Ino shout something like 'Nice ass!', and someone (not Ino) whistled appreciatively, which made him doubly glad he didn't have that bullwhip he was thinking about earlier in his Indiana Jones fantasy. Satisfied, Neji pulled his pants up and couldn't help but smirk a little at the sight of Ino, Naruto, and the others laughing and cheering him as he headed back toward them.

"Oh my— _Neji_?"

Neji froze at the sound of that _very_ familiar voice, and suddenly every shred of pride and accomplishment he'd been feeling went up in smoke and died a miserable sad death and he actually did feel a little constipated now, by the way. He dared not turn.

"Neji," the voice said again, shaky with embarrassment and the slowly disintegrating hope that it wasn't actually him.

He couldn't help it. He had to look, even as Chouji was giving him a confused look like dude, why are you just standing there like an idiot and oh, by the way, your fly's down. Good to know, but not great timing, bro. Neji swallowed hard and tried to prepare himself for what he knew was coming, which was some bad shit because this was what happened when you went hunting for hoagies in the middle of the night.

"H-Hinata," he squeaked. Yeah, squeaked like a mouse or a eunuch or a guy otherwise experiencing the mystical hand of fate putting the squeeze on his balls like a bad cold snap.

What a noob, the others must have surely been thinking. But they did not know what was happening. They had no idea that this was not your typical mooning on your typical Saturday evening in Konoha for the viewing pleasure of your typical college girls. This was Hinata Hyuuga, heiress to Hyuuga fortune and as close to a princess as a girl could get in this day and age and yeah, she'd definitely seen him with his pants down just now, ass-bare and decidedly not as mysterious as the dark side of the moon. Quite the opposite, actually.

Hinata was red in the face when she met Neji's eyes, and just like that she keeled over. Not in the good swooning fangirl way, but out cold, fainted, so traumatized that she could not stand to be consciously in the same dimension as Neji, aka Full Moon Hyuuga. Okay, maybe not that last part, but Hinata was down for the count and Neji ran. He ran like he had never run before, like he was being chased by a giant boulder tomb trap in a sexy bomber jacket and rugged five o'clock shadow and a bullwhip, except there was nothing sexy about this and he knew literally nothing about archaeology and again, there was no bullwhip so get your head out of the gutter, you fiend. Ino ran after him. Naruto, Kiba, Chouji, and even Shikamaru picked up the chase, too, over the flashed girls' shouts and laughter because they _knew_ what had just happened and they would not soon forget it. Snapchat would blow up tonight not with dick pics, but with something more, well, _more_.

* * *

The next morning, one Shino Aburame woke up to go on a run around the Engineering Quad, like usual, and only realized a few steps out of his room that his sneakers and socks were suddenly soaked, at which point he uttered a very succinct, but very apt, 'Oh'.

Also the next morning, one Hinata Hyuuga, who had been happily visiting Konoha with a friend from college originally from the area, returned home by herself without speaking to a single person in the Hyuuga compound. When she saw her father and he asked her if she'd heard from Neji, the boy was supposed to stop by today to get measured for a tuxedo jacket and pants for an upcoming fundraising gala, she literally shouted 'NO I HAVE NOT SEEN HIS ASS' in a single breath and scared the bejesus out of Coco, the Hyuuga family Chiweenie. Then she ran to her room, shut the door, and lay on the bed with her head under the pillow trying not to think about her cousin's admittedly shapely gluts. Hiashi, for his part, could only wonder, mystified, at why Hinata could not have said she had not seen Neji a little more nicely, geez.

Also _also_ the next morning, one Neji Hyuuga and one Ino Yamanaka were on the train headed back north to the city in silence. Well, Neji was silent. Ino was idly (by which we of course mean purposefully, sadistically, wickedly, and obnoxiously in-tune) humming 'I'll Make a Man Out of You' from the critically acclaimed Disney animated film 'Mulan' and doing her _level best_ not to dance along.

"Cut it _out_ ," Neji groused, refusing to look at her as he glared a hole through his Kindle.

"'Cut it out' he tells me, but I can't, 'cause it's fun," Ino sang to the opening melody of that infernal fucking song.

For the record, Neji never had a problem with the song. Or the movie. It was pretty good, actually. He'd liked the lucky cricket that wasn't lucky and the snarky grandma who hit on Shang because Mulan was too busy being way cooler than Shang would ever be. It was fine. What was not fine was Ino turning what had once been a decent, maybe somewhat forgettable memory into the Worst Day of His Life.

"It's not the worst day of your life. Don't be so dramatic," Ino said as she examined her nails. They needed repainting. Priorities. "And even if it was, it was yesterday. So it's over."

"You don't understand," Neji said, breathing through his nose to try to keep his cool. "This is so...I don't know, _dishonorable_ somehow."

Ino glanced up at him and grinned. "Oh yeah, dishonor on you, dishonor on your whole family, dishonor on your cow—"

"Enough with Mulan already!" he said a little louder than he should have. Softer, he said, "Son of a bitch."

Ino sat up a little straighter and tried to look serious. "Look, don't worry about it. It was just a prank, totally no big deal. It's not like you got caught with drugs or sending dick pics or something."

"What is it with you guys and dick pics, anyway?" Neji asked more to himself. "Are you trying to tell me something?"

Ino grabbed his hand and made him look at her across the table of their little train car. "Hey, Neji. Hey. Come on, look at me."

He stubbornly refused, but she waited patiently for him to grow a pair and stop acting like a fucking child. "What."

"That was cool, what you did," she said, no longer laughing but still smiling a little. "I know why you did it. So did Naruto and the guys."

Neji blinked. "...Really?"

"Really." She brought his hand to her lips. "Best prank of the year."

He relaxed a little. "I've never done anything like that before."

"I know. And I love you for it," she said, smiling that secret, special smile just for him.

He tugged on her hand, and she leaned across the table toward him. Almost forgetting yesterday's ignominy, he kissed her softly, getting a feel for it, and then threaded his fingers in her hair and pulled her deeper. Her hand on his shoulder stopped him, and she breathed against his lips, those sultry sea beauty eyes sleepy and searching his face.

"Ino," he said hoarsely.

"Don't worry," she said. "When we get home, I'll make a man out of you."

It took a second for his brain to take back control from his cock and go Super Saiyan. It was a second too long, and Ino launched backwards and collapsed into a fit of giggles. She clutched her stomach, in stitches now, and started _crying_. Neji fumed, but the rush of anger was transient, and soon all he had were his blue balls and that catchy as fuck song stuck in his head, which was beginning to ache with the onset of a migraine. Ino had the gall to _snort_ in the midst of her laughter like some beautifully evil pig as she nearly fell out of her seat opposite him. Neji hung his head in his hands and didn't even care anymore as he began to hum the song out loud.

* * *

 _I'm really, really sorry. Please review?_


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